Reality

Well, I have been wanting to write this post for a few weeks but now, now it seems so trivial.
I wanted to write about how this has been a rough few months for me. I wanted to write about how every time I turn around it seems like the rug gets pulled out from under me-personal relationships, work life, home life, and in my running world. So many “uncontrollables” that set me back and knocked me down a little.

I wanted to write about how running gives me strength and when that was taken away from me unexpectedly after only 12 miles of a 50 mile race, I found myself in a low place. I was even lower in my work life and while that too spiraled out of control I found myself becoming more negative and started turning into an ugly person. I wanted to write about how when this somewhat type A control freak has control taken away in ALL areas of her life a sense of hopelessness creeps in. Really, in the grand scheme of things-what I experienced is nothing.

I do want to share a few things that are helping me get out of my funk. While what I have been experiencing seems like nothing now, I do think these positive life happenings and my thoughts associated to them are important in my daily life.
The first was when I finally got to sit down after working both my jobs and putting in an almost 17hour work day on the last day of the school year. I opened a card that came with an end of the year teacher gift. I need to remind you that I was/am feeling pretty low in my work life and this card surprised me and reminded me why I went into teaching. The card reads something like this:
Ms. Schlaack,
Thank you so much for all you have done to help <insert child’s name here> be comfortable with child’s transition into school.
Your understanding of child’s needs made things so smooth, and your kindness showed through the whole time. I am so happy the school has you on their team and you are one of the first teachers parents deal with.
Thank you
Tears welled in my eyes. This is why I do what I do. Its time to stop complaining and start doing something about my work life unhappiness. I am in control of my happiness. I wanted to insert the video for Chumbawamba’s “I get knocked down” here but  now it doesn’t seem appropriate.

The second is that I started going to physical therapy and was reminded that I am in control of my physical strength and it is up to me to continue to grow stronger. I feel empowered by the PT exercises and am putting together a plan for myself to get back on track physically. This empowerment trickles down to almost all areas of my life because my physical fitness is what I go to when I am feeling lost in other areas of my life. If I can get my physical fitness together life tends to move on the upswing.
I feel so small writing about this now. My pains are nothing, nothing.

My point of wanting to share all this a couple weeks ago was to show that there is always a silver lining. Everything happens for a reason and for me going through what I have been going through the past few months has made me stronger and a little more empowered. I am realizing what relationships are important to me and am trying to take steps to make sure that I do not compromise my happiness.

Yet today I learned some terrible, unimaginable news and am failing to see a silver lining. What good can come out of this? My heart breaks for a former team mate and college friend. She lost her two beautiful daughters last night. They were in a car accident while in their father’s care and all three were killed. How does one get back up from being knocked down like this? Her world, her life, her everything has been taken away from her with no notice. How can I complain about feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me in all areas of my life? What I have experienced the past few months is nothing. My thoughts go to her. May she find the strength to lose control, to grieve, to fall apart. And then, may she find strength to get back up and find a way to continue living a life that has been changed forever. Thinking of you my friend and sending you love…

grief

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