“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” ~Buddha
I have been trying for years to be the “go with the flow” carefree woman that I have been fooling myself that I am. I am almost there. I try to live by the “everything happens for a reason” attitude and for the most part I do. I mean how else can I justify the fact that I am 40, still single, and have no children? I try to remain strong even when obstacles are thrown in my path. Okay, well maybe that is not totally true. On the OUTSIDE I am hurdling those obstacles on the inside I am tripping and falling.
I am pretty hard on my self. I am competitive and I am my toughest competitor. I want to be the best. Well, you know what I mean…the best that I can be yet better than other people. I like to win and am starting to be okay with losing, as long as I tried my best. Baby steps.
I am a “people pleaser”. I have known this for awhile. I dont like people mad at me and I want people to like me. I take things to heart and over analyze relationships and interactions. Hmmm…that Buddha is on to something. I need to make some changes.
I was told a long time ago that I have this “hero” complex- I feel the need to take care of everyone, need to be the best, failure is not an option. Yeah, I need to change. I want to change.
I am strong. At least that is what I want everyone to think. Isnt that what my facebook, twitter, and blog promote…”seeking physical, mental, and spiritual strength”?
I have a confession: Inside, I feel weak. Not always but often enough. I also feel guilty about feeling weak because I AM STRONG darn it! How can I be strong and weak at the same time!
I am starting to recognize that I might be a stronger person if I allow myself to feel weak every now and then, give up some control. Knowing when to let go and being able to truly believe in your heart that it wasnt meant to be-That takes a lot of strength!
Ways that I have been trying to let go…
1) I followed through with my plan to take the Bear Brook Marathon slow. Slow and steady so I wouldnt injure myself. It was slow. 12:12 slow. I am okay with that, sort of. I finished strong injury free! (I do wonder what I could have done if I wouldnt have held back but NO REGRETS)
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| Courtesy of SNAPacidotic |
2) I had a tentative itinerary for my second trip to the White Mountains (see my other blog for the details of the first trip, second trip details are on their way). The weather was less than spectacular as I headed up the Ammonoosuc Ravine trail to conquer my first mountian of the trip-Monroe. It was foggy. I thought about skipping the hike that day and doing a different hike but I REALLY wanted to hike more of the presidential range ASAP. So I went against my better judgement and banked on the fact it was supposed to clear up. It didnt. It was so foggy at the base of Monroe I couldnt see my hand in front of my face. It was so windy I thought I was going to be blown over. I turned around worked out Plan B for the day as I hiked back down the mountain. I was okay with not dying on the mountain that day and I had a great hike that afternoon.
3) Later that same week I had planned to head down to Northwood and run the second to last Harmony Hill race. I was going to place in the series if I made it to the race so I figured I might as well change campgrounds and head down. I loaded my car and was ready to hit the road and…my car wouldnt start. Dead battery. Change of plans. Got a new battery and decided NOT to waste the day driving. I let go of my opportunity to earn bling in the series and had an amazing day with two great hikes. Sounds silly but this was hard for me. Everything happens for a reason.
4) Final Harmony Hill race. I was feeling great until I couldnt run anymore. Stomach cramps and the urge to vomit wast too strong. I walked half of the race and I still managed to enjoy the cookout afterward. Again, not easy for me. In the past I would have been frustrated and upset. Not that night.
5)Training run- I challenged myself to run as far as I could at a nice steady pace for 3 hours. Speed didnt matter, distance didnt matter. I did it and felt good about it. I was kinda proud of myself. It was tough for me to hold back.
And the bigger stuff…
Its not really a secret that I have been dealing with some GI issues since March. I have lost 12 lbs without trying. I have been in pain. Not excruciating pain. Just annoying I gotta go to the bathroom type of pain (I will spare you the details). I was given a generic diagnosis that I refused to accept. I wasnt going to “let it go”. I dont want to be weak. I dont want to have this annoying somewhat debilitating issue. Not an option. Well, suck it up buttercup. I am now on this crazy diet to rule out what might be giving me issues-gluten free, lactose free, artificial sweetener free, chocolate free, date, coconut, and avacado free diet. There’s more but those are the biggies that I have been having a hard time letting go. I know in the grand scheme of things it could be worse but this has been a very emotional process. Its getting better. I am letting go of the things that I “cant” have and trying to make the best of what I can have. After all, its only 6 weeks and there are people out there who have to eat this way all of the time.
In my protest of the diagnosis, I was grasping for other answers to my problem. I pleaded to my primary physician, my GI doc, and to the dietician. Finally someone listened and a discovery was made. I now have some decisions to make. Decisions I wish I didnt have to make but at least I have some some answers AND options. There are people out there that don’t have options, I am grateful that I do. I am seeking professional consult to help me make the right choice. I am nervous. I might need to decide what is not meant for me… I cant help but wonder if I can do that gracefully, if I can know in my heart everything happens for a reason, if I can let go of the dream I once had. BUT…I have some time to research and decide so for now I am going to focus on this stupid diet.
I need and want to make changes. I want to be strong enough to allow myself to feel weak without guilt. I want to truly believe and feel that its okay to let go.
“Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness”
~Jean Vanier
#lettinggo #noregrets @runstronginnh